Meiyazhagan - My Best Friend's story

Disclaimer : Could contain spoilers for the movie Meiyazhagan. 

I just finished watching the movie Meiyazhagan and my heart is full. No romances or tragedies, no long drawn battles or great fables, just a simple story of reminiscences. Still the movie had my eyes locked on the actors through the entire duration, drinking their performances in, not needing to pause or look away. 

Lately I've been feeling calloused and disconnected as I was not feeling connected or empathetic with the characters in recent movies that I've been watching. I feared if this was a sign of me getting older! Thank God for this gem of a movie for making me emote with onscreen characters again.

Aravind Swamy and Karthi's performances touched my heart so deeply with their own uniquely natural performances, that I couldn't help my eyes tearing up every once in a while. And it wasn't only them , though Karthi's innocent, heart warming smile gets me every single time. The uncle, the niece, Karthi's wife in the movie, even the flower seller, I'm moved to believe that they genuinely should be such simple and emotional human beings to be able to heart-warmingly portray that village innocence that almost suffocates you. 

The reason why words tumble out of my mind now is also because the movie took me on a very personal journey down memory lane; through the sparkling smiles of my childhood best friend Paru. My Meiyazhaghi. She was exactly the same way as Karthi's character is portrayed, excessively talkative, overwhelmingly affectionate, always by my side eating my ear off with her nonstop laughter and chatter. Just like in the movie, I had also placed a bet with her to see if she could remain quiet for the duration of a day.  The similarities are uncanny. And like Aravind's character I have also been ridden of guilt when I have pushed her away several times because of my own nature. I just couldn't keep up with her affection and pure love.

Memories flashed in front of my eyes as I watched the movie. As Karthi follows Aravind Swamy to the bathroom, I remembered a hilarious incident that happened when we were in the fourth standard. She was as usual chattering away happily by my elbow, stuck to my side, as I told her I need to go to the bathroom. She continued to follow me and happily chatted on and she even almost entered my bathroom stall not realizing where she was! We laughed loudly and she went back out with an "Oh! sorry!". 

I still remember her lunchbox with lovlolikkas and her small bottle of yoghurt. I still remember her singing the song "Manjakili, Swarnakili" everytime a new teacher came to class and asked the children to introduce themselves. And I remember her saying during lunchtime one day, under the big arch in front of our school, that she did not have the money to buy a Sip-up everyday like me. My heart melted for her and I bought her one. She was such a simple soul that she cried loudly when she realized I had bought it for her. 

My school memories are filled with her affection and simple love. Her laughter and her tears. As Aravind Swamy told Karthi in the movie, I should have told her - Don't ever change. 

I never told her that. Life happened over the next few decades and we have both changed - we are stronger and bolder today. Though no matter how old we get, that sparkle and laughter of her love will always remain. 

Love is not enough

Is Love enough?

One of the short stories we had to study in school was "Love, Love, Love Alone" by V. S. Naipaul from his collection "Miguel Street". The story is about Mrs.Hereira and her abusive husband Tony. Every time she runs to her neighbour, bruised and crying, her neighbour advises her to leave Tony. And every single time she defends him claiming that he loves her deeply. Teenage me believed in the transformational power of love and was confused when love wasn't enough for them and she finally leaves him.

The first time, though, that I seriously considered the question "Is love enough?" was when I sat along with my (now ex-) husband in front of our marriage counsellor. I said plaintively at some point "But we love each other so much!" . She calmly and quietly replied, "Love isn't as important in a marriage as you would think!" Being a true romantic till that point, I was quite disappointed by her statement. I listened on quite sceptically. She said " You have lived together for 9 years. Love will automatically happen. There are however three main pillars for a healthy marriage. Respect, Trust and Care."

I gradually realized that my marriage was a 0/3 with respect to these three aspects. And that was why we were doing so poorly. Of course, if either of us were to suddenly collapse and fall to the floor, the other would be filled with worry and would rush the other to the hospital because we loved each other deeply. But was that enough?

If you have no intrinsic respect for your partner, contempt will creep into your words and actions. Contempt rings the death knell in any relationship, especially so in marriage.
If you don't have a trusting relationship with your partner, you cannot be your authentic self with them. That means that you cannot even heal and grow as human beings.
And without care, there can be no real intimacy between two souls and bodies. What sort of a relationship is it, that you have to collapse on the floor and be dying if you have to be touched with care ?

Caveat - This is of course no reason to give up on a relationship, if both partners are committed to growing and healing. Respect, trust and care can grow too with commitment.

We need to ask ourselves this question "Is love enough?" with respect to all our relationships. I recently spoke to a lady whose brother was showing zero interest in her well being. She was hugely pained by his lack of care for her but she continued to initiate conversations with him, repeatedly wishing him "Good morning" everyday. Seeing her pain, I told her to give him space to understand her role in his life and to let him come back to her if he really wanted her , to stop sending him any more "Good morning" s until he showed any real interest in her. But she refused to stop, because he was her own blood and she loved him no matter what the case was. She failed to realize that with each Good morning, she was stooping lower and lower in her own self respect and in turn, his respect for her too plummeted.

Does being born to the same set of parents automatically amount to respect and care in a relationship? We also need to learn to respect ourselves before we can expect others to respect us. In recent years, I myself have adopted a 3 strike rule. If you don't show the same amount of interest as I do in our relationship, I will try three times - which could mean, initiate a conversation three times in a well spaced period. And if the other person doesn't initiate a conversation even after the third try I let it go. I don't compromise on this for the sake of my own self respect. Sometimes it is also a matter of adjusting the frequency of our catch ups to a more convenient pace for the both of us based on our schedules. No resentment or grudge to be harboured when people don't mean any harm personally, but, there is just a mismatch in schedules or expectations. This is also where we need to give them time and space, so both parties know their place in each other's lives.

The question "Is Love enough" applies even more with respect to our love for our children. I saw this reel the other day that said "Everybody says they would die for their kids but would you - work on your marriage for them ? Get healthy for them ? Learn new hobbies for them ? Heal past traumas for them ? Stop smoking or drinking for them ? Fix your mental health for them ? Be the person that God intended to be for them ?" Love alone will not make them healthy, happy, confident and resilient. While each of us works on our preferred style of parenthood, one thing is for sure. We need to go beyond love, out of our love for them.