One of the short stories we had to study in school was "Love, Love, Love Alone" by V. S. Naipaul from his collection "Miguel Street". The story is about Mrs.Hereira and her abusive husband Tony. Every time she runs to her neighbour, bruised and crying, her neighbour advises her to leave Tony. And every single time she defends him claiming that he loves her deeply. Teenage me believed in the transformational power of love and was confused when love wasn't enough for them and she finally leaves him.
The first time, though, that I seriously considered the question "Is love enough?" was when I sat along with my (now ex-) husband in front of our marriage counsellor. I said plaintively at some point "But we love each other so much!" . She calmly and quietly replied, "Love isn't as important in a marriage as you would think!" Being a true romantic till that point, I was quite disappointed by her statement. I listened on quite sceptically. She said " You have lived together for 9 years. Love will automatically happen. There are however three main pillars for a healthy marriage. Respect, Trust and Care."
I gradually realized that my marriage was a 0/3 with respect to these three aspects. And that was why we were doing so poorly. Of course, if either of us were to suddenly collapse and fall to the floor, the other would be filled with worry and would rush the other to the hospital because we loved each other deeply. But was that enough?
If you have no intrinsic respect for your partner, contempt will creep into your words and actions. Contempt rings the death knell in any relationship, especially so in marriage.
If you don't have a trusting relationship with your partner, you cannot be your authentic self with them. That means that you cannot even heal and grow as human beings.
And without care, there can be no real intimacy between two souls and bodies. What sort of a relationship is it, that you have to collapse on the floor and be dying if you have to be touched with care ?
Caveat - This is of course no reason to give up on a relationship, if both partners are committed to growing and healing. Respect, trust and care can grow too with commitment.
We need to ask ourselves this question "Is love enough?" with respect to all our relationships. I recently spoke to a lady whose brother was showing zero interest in her well being. She was hugely pained by his lack of care for her but she continued to initiate conversations with him, repeatedly wishing him "Good morning" everyday. Seeing her pain, I told her to give him space to understand her role in his life and to let him come back to her if he really wanted her , to stop sending him any more "Good morning" s until he showed any real interest in her. But she refused to stop, because he was her own blood and she loved him no matter what the case was. She failed to realize that with each Good morning, she was stooping lower and lower in her own self respect and in turn, his respect for her too plummeted.
Does being born to the same set of parents automatically amount to respect and care in a relationship? We also need to learn to respect ourselves before we can expect others to respect us. In recent years, I myself have adopted a 3 strike rule. If you don't show the same amount of interest as I do in our relationship, I will try three times - which could mean, initiate a conversation three times in a well spaced period. And if the other person doesn't initiate a conversation even after the third try I let it go. I don't compromise on this for the sake of my own self respect. Sometimes it is also a matter of adjusting the frequency of our catch ups to a more convenient pace for the both of us based on our schedules. No resentment or grudge to be harboured when people don't mean any harm personally, but, there is just a mismatch in schedules or expectations. This is also where we need to give them time and space, so both parties know their place in each other's lives.
The question "Is Love enough" applies even more with respect to our love for our children. I saw this reel the other day that said "Everybody says they would die for their kids but would you - work on your marriage for them ? Get healthy for them ? Learn new hobbies for them ? Heal past traumas for them ? Stop smoking or drinking for them ? Fix your mental health for them ? Be the person that God intended to be for them ?" Love alone will not make them healthy, happy, confident and resilient. While each of us works on our preferred style of parenthood, one thing is for sure. We need to go beyond love, out of our love for them.
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